Category: Bill’s Old-Old Blog

(Our scene is set in a living room. A family and some friends are gathered. Their daughter, an ‘actress’ has just returned home for the holidays and is there at the meal. Our characters are MOM, DAD, MR. and MRS. ARMSTRONG, and the daughter RACQUEL.)

(Our characters are sitting around in the living room, enjoying soem before dinner chit-chat)

MRS. ARMSTRONG: So, Racquel, your mother tells us you’ve been getting some parts in some movies.

RACQUEL: That’s a word for it…

MOM: Racquel! Show some manners!

MRS. ARMSTRONG: Oh, dear, it’s allright. I was just wondering if maybe I’d seen any of them.

DAD: Uh, you probably haven’t…

MR. ARMSTRONG: Are ya sure there Roger? We go to movies atleast once a week.

MOM: Positive.

MRS. ARMSTRONG: Well, I guess we’ll just have to rent one. What was the last one you were in called, Racquel?

RACQUEL: “Cum On Eileen”.

(Entire room is silent. Parents are nervous. Armstrongs are confused.)

MR. ARMSTRONG: What’s that about?

DAD: Let’s talk about something else.

MRS. ARMSTRONG: No, it’s allright.

MOM: It’s just, well, a little complicated.

MRS. ARMSTRONG: Oh, I see. What else have you been in, sweetie?

RACQUEL: Sex on the Beach VI, Fuck School, and Girls and Dogs Vol. 8.

MRS. ARMSTRONG: Oh my god.

MOM: Well, so much for this evening.

DAD: (muffling laughter in his cardigan)

MR. ARMSTRONG: I’VE SEEN GIRLS AND DOGS!!!!! (pause) Oh shit…

MRS. ARMSTRONG: So you’re in porn?

RACQUEL: Starring actually.

MR. ARMSTRONG: What was the middle one called again? Fuck School?

MRS. ARMSTRONG: Lawrence, shut the fuck up.

MOM: We have her first movie here if you’d like to see it?

(Everyone stares at MOM)

MOM: What?

(Room is awkardly quiet)

MR. ARMSTRONG: ( bashfully) So, uh, how did you get discovered?

RACQUEL: I can sit on three penises at once.

DAD: Oh my god.

MOM: It runs in the family.

(Room is silent again)

MOM: WHAT?!?!

MRS. ARMSTRONG: Well, that’s interesting there, Racquel. What else have you been doing lately?

RACQUEL: Oh you know, the usual. Lots of Blow. A little crank here and there.

MRS. ARMSTRONG: I suppose I shouldn’t be suprised…

RACQUEL: THAT WAS A *JOKE*!

MR. ARMSTRONG: Let’s watch “Fuck School”.

(MRS. ARMSTRONG GLARES AT HIM)

MR. ARMSTRONG: WHAT?

RACQUEL: Seriously though, what’s the big deal? I make people happy for a living, and isn’t that what we all want?

MR. ARMSTRONG: I want to be happy.

MRS. ARMSTRONG: LAWRENCE!

RACQUEL: No, I mean that. People look at us porn stars like we’re the scum of the earth, when al we really want to do is make our money doing something that doesn’t bore us to tears or take away from our free time. Is that so wrong?

MOM: Well put, honey.

DAD: We’re behind you sweetie. We’ll support anything you choose.

MRS. ARMSTRONG: This is so touching.

MR. ARMSTRONG: I’ll say- LET’S HAVE A CIRCLE JERK!

RACQUEL: Look, Larry, I’m not at work right now. Is dinner ready, Mom?

MOM: I believe it is.

[FIN]

I had a very strange dream last night. Naturally, if it were not a strange dream I probably wouldn’t be writing about it. But I digress.

Anyway, it took place over my lunch break in the cafeteria of my Elementary School.

Here is that school:

Anyway, as I was saying it was over lunch break. I was there with three guys I work with. This may or may not be important, but they were my friend Aaron (who is a devout Jew. He wears the Yamaka, has a foot long beard, and reads lots of books with Hebrew on the covers on his break. On a side note he’s moving to Chicago to become an Accountant. How’s that for a Jewish stereotype?), my friend Kevin (the 38 year old punk rocker), and my friend Scott who actually doesn’t even work there now because he got a programming job.

So we go our lunches and sat down at a table and were immediately swamped with 8 and 9 year old kids who just looked at us funny.

That’s when I noticed I recognized some of the kids. Mike was one of them, equipped with that wedge hair cut he had through most of elementary school. Alan Livermore and Todd Rieper were there with their wave bangs in full effect. The McElroy sisters were there and still indistinguishable from one another, and various others who’s names I don’t even need to mention as most of you won’t know who I’m talking about.

It was a strange dream and it kind of made me wonder what I was thinking about or remembering.

Even stranger, the building was larger in size than I know it to be. It was almost as if it were as large as I remember it being when I was 7, only on the height scale I use now for measuring my world.

So strange, but it was a nice dream. And I didn’t wake up in a cold sweat or anything.

It doesn’t really look like it’s snowed outside. It looks more like someone dumped a few thousand tons of rock salt all over the block. I just went outside a little bit ago to put the trash out and it didn’t even feel like snow. It felt like I was getting pelted in spit balls. Cold spit balls. Like Junior High.

So I’m inside drinking a warm cup of Chai, wearing sweat pants, and listening to Fugazi, all the while pissed off that I didn’t get to jog today.

I’m sick of this winter shit. I want Spring. I want some nice weather to come for a few days before we hit July and the sweltering, scrotum-soaking, sweat that comes with that month is upon us.

I also hate Daylight time. I’ve been tired all day long at work. Then I came home excited that I could finally get a nap. Guess who can’t sleep now?

Goddamn everything.

…and so does my entire body.

I absolutely have to see this movie. My life will not be completed until I have a chance to view it. I’m certain of this.

Let’s examine:

It’s a movie about Genghis Khan starring John Wayne.

I wanna know who came up with this idea, what they were smoking, where you can get it, and how much it costs.

Here are some user comments from IMDB:

“This not only has to be one of the worst films in history, but it is also one of the saddest when you consider that much of the cast and crew would die years later.”

Wow. That one’s pretty heavy. I mean, we ALL die EVENTUALLY, but the fact that this reviewer considers it sadder that they died years after making this movie leaves me to wonder if he’d rather have seen swift justice. Let’s see what the next guy has to say.

“I mean, I’ve seen some giant pieces of crap in my day, but this takes the bowl. My god, what were they thinking?”

I like it. Blunt, short, and to the point. However, I wish there was a little more criticism of the themes and story line so I have an idea of what I’m getting into when I view this no doubt classic film.

Next.

“My favourite lines: “My heart tells me this Tartar woman is for me” and “Share the booty”.”

No comments from the peanut gallery on this one.

“often reviled and ridiculed by critics and public alike; this admittedly amusing hollywood cock up is at least entertaining and passes muster. for all it’s faults though it’s not nearly as bad or offensive as duke’s later ‘the green berets’.”

That sounds sort of promising.

“‘I see ya do not care ta feel tha tip of my lance, Jamuga.’ This incredible line was uttered by John Wayne in one of the most unbelievably funny movies of all time. How could he have done this movie ? This is a movie that must be seen to be believed . There are endless lines like this just read the other reviews to hear others but I could not resist adding my personal my favorite. He’s chasing a fellow “Mongolian” around a field on horseback when this beauty pops out.”

I almost fell down.

The voice of a generation, folks.

I think I better try finding this horrible movie tonight.

[BROKEN IMAGE]

[IMAGE TITLE: lathamwill/images/ozdiorama.jpeg ]

I’m sitting down with a cup of chai right now, reflecting on all the mistakes I’ve ever made and all the things I have ever done wrong with my life.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!

Fooled ya!

The last thing I wanted to see when I woke up this morning was any amount of snow on the ground.

Especially after I was wearing shorts most of the day yesterday.

Goddamn winter.

Goddamnit.

So, the spare tire rack on the back of my blazer is broken, or stuck, or rusted shut. Regardless, I cannot open it and was not able to put the organ in the back end of said vehicle.

So I have to go meet the guy at his house sometime next week and we’ll drive it over.

Thankfully he was very nice about this, which impresses me since he’s getting 20 bucks out of this deal. I’ll probably give him a little more since he’s going to drive it over now too, but I’m still impressed that he isn’t trying to sell it to someone else now.

What a swell guy.

Guy on the Phone: How can I keep Adult Pop Ups from flashing up on my screen?
Me: Don’t look at Adult Websites.
Guy on the Phone: Fuck You. (hangs up)

–

[USAABill] I hate people who talk to themselves on the telephone
[USAABill] it adds a whole new dimension to weirdness
[Tiffanie] yep
[Tiffanie] or when people dont want to stop talking
[Tiffanie] it makes me sad cuz what if they’re lonely
[USAABill] oh they definently are. On Christmas eve I worked until 8:00. From about 4:00 on, I only talked to lonely Jewish guys in New York
[Tiffanie] hehe
[USAABill] they’d always point out that they were Jewish
[USAABill] and I’d be reading their account information thinking “Duh!”
[USAABill] who else names a kid “Hymen”?
[Tiffanie] hehehe

–

Today was a pretty good day. It was very laid back. I couldn’t have asked for more as it’s my friday on wednesdays. Right now I’m drinking a Corona and doing laundry.

Tonight is also my night off from my newfound hobby of jogging. I’ve gone four days in a row, and scheduled tonight as my night of rest. Tommorow morning I’m going to start working it into my morning routine. That should be nice.

Also tommorow, I am picking up my newly aquired Lowery Organ. I’m pretty excited. Even though I can’t currently play the organ, I’m excited to learn. This will be my second new hobby.

Just picture me on Elimidate as the eligble bachelor explaining his hobbies:

Me: I’m into Organs and Jogging.
Girl #1: See ya, Chump.
Girl #2: What the hell?
Girl #3: (throws diet coke in my face)

Ok, that was a bad example.

Anyway, I’m pretty excited to own an organ. And on that note (that pun was totally unintended, I just considered backspacing that even), I have whites to wash.