Month: August 2003

Lewis Black once had a routine wherein he explained how you get aneurysm. He said that basically, somewhere along the line (and this will be paraphrased) “you’re sitting there and you hear the dumbest thing you’ve heard in your entire life. *AND* it goes in your ear, where your brain says “LET’S FIGURE IT OUT!” And you think about it. Over and over and over again. And the next morning they find you dead in your bathroom.”

Well, folks, I think sometimes making your brain hurt is not a bad idea. The way I see it, is when your brain starts hurting really badly, there’s a good chance you’re gonna kill off a few of your brain cells that were just wasting space and not strong enough to hang out with the ones you actually might need later in life.

Here’s what I propose:

Go to THIS webpage and read this young man’s poetry. [Sorry, link broken.]

Then, AFTER you gouge your eyes out. Take a deep breath and relax.

We wandered and toiled for what felt like forty years in the wildnerness when we came to the Mexican Bar.

“Look what the Lord hath provided for us!” Kelly exclaimed.

“He truly watches over our needs!” Jonah rejoiced.

“Oh Lord on high, beer us, please.” I prayed.

The Mexican bar was very colorful, and rainbow banners and light up signs covered the entire thing. Yet not one Mexican was sited. There were many women.

“This must be the work of the Devil,” said Jonah, “he is tempting us.”

“I agree,” said Kelly. “We must drink fast and put quarters in the jukebox for our salvation.”

I took the first turn loading it up with several hymns by the great song writers John Cougar Mellencamp, Tiffany, the Rolling Stones, and REM.

“Suckin’ on a chili dog outside of Tasty Freeze,” sang Jonah and Kelly. We all mimed punches to the ones in the song.

It became clear that our time in the desert was ending and we needed sustinance to continue drinking. Our exodus to the gas station was not uncomfortable as we had the words and sermons of the prophet ICE-T on audio cassette.

“I am totally on his dick,” said ICE-T’s interviewer.

We arrived near the Promised Land purchasing two hot dogs and two packs of cigarettes. We finished the Prophet’s sermon and continued to the Promised Land for last call.

There was much rejoicing and celebrating.

Jonah Wins.

Jonah still wins, but now in improved lighting.

Take a bow, Jonah.

This entry was brought to you by the letter Beer and the number Drunk.

Oh memories.

I can’t believe it’s been that long ago.

Birthday Party Gone Bad
Mom Accused of Stripping for Boys

SHARON, PA-August 27, 2003 — A Pennsylvania woman
was arrested after allegedly buying her son and 3
of his friends beer and stripping for them in a
hotel in an attempt to make up for a failed
birthday trip to ride go-carts.

Click Here for More WPVI.com Bizarre News
The 34-year-old woman was ordered Friday to stand
trial on charges of corruption of minors,
indecent assault and reckless endangerment
stemming from the alleged July 26 party.

Police said the youths met at a western
Pennsylvania go-cart track to celebrate the
birthday of the woman’s son. When the boys
discovered all the go-carts rented out, the woman
drove to Ohio to buy beer and then took the
youths to a hotel, police alleged.

In the room, the woman gave the boys beer, gave
them $1 bills, told them she wanted to be a
stripper and asked them to put the money in her
bra and panties, police said. She also exposed
herself and asked the boys to spank her, police
said.

Police did not give the boys’ ages, but according
to the charges, they are under the age of 16.

The woman’s son said he was embarrassed by her
actions, police said.

The woman has an unlisted number and could not be
reached for comment by The Associated Press on
Tuesday. It was unclear whether she had an
attorney. She was free on bail and has been
barred from seeing the boys, authorities said.

(Copyright 2003 by The Associated Press. All
Rights Reserved.)

20 Minutes ago I began having a very elaborate fantasy about breaking an old woman’s legs. I was going to start out hitting across her knees with a baseball bat, then sort of roll her down a flight of stairs.

See, I was talking to her on the telephone her at work where I am currently on a much needed break. When I gave her directions like “click right”, “click left”, etc. she would promptly do something like scroll up or down, and just randomly click on whatever she could find to randomly click on.

I wanted to kill her. I was dreaming about how to do it. I’ve been having a lot of fantasies like this at work lately.

Someone give me a hug, ok?

“Morrissey – Morrissey
Now that I’m older and pretty sure I’m heterosexual, my Morrissey albums just don’t get much play, except when I’m feeling sorry for myself – then there’s nothing sweeter than the croon of the coiffured one. I remember when Kurt Cobain killed himself, Morrissey was quoted as saying he wondered if he would have had the courage to do that. Well, we can always wish.”

Heh.

This is pretty funny.

“Bill’s distinctive and infectious style, an acrobatic cartwhelling between high intellectual discourse and vernacular insouciance, makes him tremendously entertaining to witness, whatever his subject.”

-Justin O’Connor