I’M NOT A CITIZEN, I’M NOT A CITIZEN

(Our scene is set in a living room. A family and some friends are gathered. Their daughter, an ‘actress’ has just returned home for the holidays and is there at the meal. Our characters are MOM, DAD, MR. and MRS. ARMSTRONG, and the daughter RACQUEL.)

(Our characters are sitting around in the living room, enjoying soem before dinner chit-chat)

MRS. ARMSTRONG: So, Racquel, your mother tells us you’ve been getting some parts in some movies.

RACQUEL: That’s a word for it…

MOM: Racquel! Show some manners!

MRS. ARMSTRONG: Oh, dear, it’s allright. I was just wondering if maybe I’d seen any of them.

DAD: Uh, you probably haven’t…

MR. ARMSTRONG: Are ya sure there Roger? We go to movies atleast once a week.

MOM: Positive.

MRS. ARMSTRONG: Well, I guess we’ll just have to rent one. What was the last one you were in called, Racquel?

RACQUEL: “Cum On Eileen”.

(Entire room is silent. Parents are nervous. Armstrongs are confused.)

MR. ARMSTRONG: What’s that about?

DAD: Let’s talk about something else.

MRS. ARMSTRONG: No, it’s allright.

MOM: It’s just, well, a little complicated.

MRS. ARMSTRONG: Oh, I see. What else have you been in, sweetie?

RACQUEL: Sex on the Beach VI, Fuck School, and Girls and Dogs Vol. 8.

MRS. ARMSTRONG: Oh my god.

MOM: Well, so much for this evening.

DAD: (muffling laughter in his cardigan)

MR. ARMSTRONG: I’VE SEEN GIRLS AND DOGS!!!!! (pause) Oh shit…

MRS. ARMSTRONG: So you’re in porn?

RACQUEL: Starring actually.

MR. ARMSTRONG: What was the middle one called again? Fuck School?

MRS. ARMSTRONG: Lawrence, shut the fuck up.

MOM: We have her first movie here if you’d like to see it?

(Everyone stares at MOM)

MOM: What?

(Room is awkardly quiet)

MR. ARMSTRONG: ( bashfully) So, uh, how did you get discovered?

RACQUEL: I can sit on three penises at once.

DAD: Oh my god.

MOM: It runs in the family.

(Room is silent again)

MOM: WHAT?!?!

MRS. ARMSTRONG: Well, that’s interesting there, Racquel. What else have you been doing lately?

RACQUEL: Oh you know, the usual. Lots of Blow. A little crank here and there.

MRS. ARMSTRONG: I suppose I shouldn’t be suprised…

RACQUEL: THAT WAS A *JOKE*!

MR. ARMSTRONG: Let’s watch “Fuck School”.

(MRS. ARMSTRONG GLARES AT HIM)

MR. ARMSTRONG: WHAT?

RACQUEL: Seriously though, what’s the big deal? I make people happy for a living, and isn’t that what we all want?

MR. ARMSTRONG: I want to be happy.

MRS. ARMSTRONG: LAWRENCE!

RACQUEL: No, I mean that. People look at us porn stars like we’re the scum of the earth, when al we really want to do is make our money doing something that doesn’t bore us to tears or take away from our free time. Is that so wrong?

MOM: Well put, honey.

DAD: We’re behind you sweetie. We’ll support anything you choose.

MRS. ARMSTRONG: This is so touching.

MR. ARMSTRONG: I’ll say- LET’S HAVE A CIRCLE JERK!

RACQUEL: Look, Larry, I’m not at work right now. Is dinner ready, Mom?

MOM: I believe it is.

[FIN]

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *